Fooling myself less now
it wasn’t supposed to end that way.....
like one day you just wake up and it hits you ..... that you actually did walk away from someone you never thought you could. it’s weird...like hella weird.... like you didn’t even have the strength to leave, but somehow your body did it for you. your heart was still crying “wait,” but your soul just… knew it was time.
and i think that’s what hurts the most. not that they’re gone, but that you had to be the one to end it. because you loved the friendship so much that staying started to feel like self-betrayal. every small thing became a reminder of how much you were tolerating just to keep them close. and one day you look at yourself in the mirror and you just go, “no, not anymore.”
it wasn’t easy though. like, i swear every part of me wanted to go back. i’d replay everything in my head .... the little things, the random talks, the way i’d overthink every text, every silence. i kept asking myself if i made it all up… if maybe i was just too sensitive. but deep down, i knew it wasn’t in my head. it was real. and that’s what made it so hard to let go.
people talk about healing like it’s this calm, peaceful thing. it’s not. sometimes healing feels like holding your breath underwater and pretending you’re fine when you’re actually drowning. sometimes it’s deleting things you know you’ll redownload later. sometimes it’s walking past a place that used to feel like “us” and acting like it means nothing.......
buttt somehow, somewhere, in between all that chaos… you start to come back to yourself. slowly. like one morning you’ll wake up and the first thing on your mind won’t be them. or you’ll hear a song and instead of crying, you’ll just… listen. and maybe even smile a little. not because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but because it doesn’t control you anymore....
i think that’s when i knew i was actually healing ig.. when i stopped wanting them to fix it, and just wanted myself back. i became quieter but also a lot stronger. i started loving people a little differently -....with boundaries this time. and i’m not gonna lie, sometimes i still think about how it could’ve been. but i don’t wish to go back anymore.
some people just leave a mark on you .... not because they stayed long, but because they made you feel something so deep it shifted something inside you. i used to hate that. now i think maybe that’s the point. maybe not every connection is meant to last...some are just meant to teach you how to love yourself the way they couldn’t...Maybe this was all God's plan from the very beginning..
so yeah, i did walk away. and maybe i’ll never stop wondering what if. but i also know this ...i chose myself this time. and for once....I hope I did right...