Holding my breath through it all

 I really wonder if the world is testing me, like pushing me to see how much I can take before I finally break. It’s never about one big dramatic thing, but these small moments that pile on until they feel like a mountain sitting on my chest. Like today...it wasn’t about the clapping, not really. It was about being made to feel small for something so harmless, and  realizing that even encouragement comes with consequences. And it just made me stop and think… if even the lightest moments are turned into burdens, how do we survive the heavier ones?

And then there’s the other layer..the pressure from home, the way voices rise on the other end of the phone. They’re worried, I know, but sometimes worry sounds a lot like blame, and I end up carrying that too. I’m already dragging myself through college hallways that feel suffocating, classrooms where a single mistake could cost me marks, maybe even my peace of mind...and on top of it, I’m expected to stand tall, to raise my voice, to fight back like some warrior. But truth is, I’m tired. I can’t afford to burn bridges here, not when every grade, every internal, every impression is like a lifeline I’m clinging to.

It makes me feel so misunderstood. Not unloved, just… unseen. Like the people around me don’t quite get the weight I’m carrying. And it hurts, because I want to explain, I want to make them understand, but how do you put into words the quiet exhaustion of walking into rooms where you’re already bracing yourself for the worst?

And tomorrow...it’s my turn. My presentation, in front of the same person who can crush me with one look, one remark. I keep telling myself it’s fine, I’ve taught before, I’ve stood in front of people and spoken. But still, there’s this knot in my chest, this fear of messing up, of being mocked, of not being enough. I try to remind myself that it’s just one day, one hour, one task....but in moments like this, it feels like the whole world is hanging on it.....

I think what hurts the most is knowing I can’t even let myself feel all of this fully. I swallow it down, I keep moving, I romanticize the little things...coffee on the terrace, music in my ears, the thought of wearing something pretty on Monday morning...because if I don’t, I’ll drown in it. That’s how I survive. By building small pockets of softness inside this chaosss..

Shayad ek din I’ll look back and laugh, maybe I’ll even be grateful for the lessons. But right now, it just feels meh...