Messy, Soft And Still Trying

I’ve always felt like I was too much. Too loud when I laughed. Too big in group photos. Too awkward when I sat. Too emotional when I talked. I’ve been body-shamed, side-eyed, commented on...by relatives, classmates, sometimes even people who barely knew me. And yet, I carried those words like baggage I never signed up for.

I love taking pictures, but I rarely end up liking any of them. In every group shot, I feel like the odd one out...the one who takes up too much space. So, I started shrinking. Not physically, maybe, but emotionally. I held back my laugh, I watched how I sat, I worried if my voice was annoying or if I was boring someone just by existing.

I’ve always cared too much about small things. Someone not replying to my text? I’d replay the conversation in my head like a broken tape. Someone unfollowing me on Instagram? My brain would immediately whisper, “You must be the problem.” And even though I told myself not to expect much from people, I still did. I expected consistency. I expected understanding. I expected love. And maybe that’s on me.

I’ve always believed people would stay. But they didn’t. They changed, moved on, or just disappeared quietly. Some left gaps in my heart I couldn’t fill back up. And no matter how hard I tried to be “chill” or “unbothered,” I wasn’t. I still cried over people who didn’t care enough to stay. I still kept space in my heart for them, like they’d come back someday. They usually didn’t.

Academically, I’ve always felt average. Not smart enough. Not talented enough. Public speaking? A nightmare. I avoid it like it might expose every single insecurity I’ve tried so hard to hide. I want to be the girl who speaks her mind in a room full of people, but instead, I sit quietly hoping someone else says the thing I’ve been thinking.

I’m an introvert, and I struggle to make connections. Not because I don’t want to—but because I’m scared. Scared of being left again. Scared of being “too much” or “too boring.” Scared of being seen and not being enough. I’ve never been in a relationship—not because I didn’t want love, but because I thought I was unlovable. Who’d want someone who overthinks every text, panics over silence, and second-guesses her own worth?

But maybe that’s just... life.

It’s messy. It’s full of doubts, overthinking, random waves of sadness, and those late-night thoughts where you wonder if you’ll ever be enough. And the truth is—most people feel like this at some point. Maybe they just hide it better. Maybe they’re also walking around with their own secret insecurities, their own silent “not enoughs.”

So if you’ve ever felt like you’re too much or not enough all at once—hey, same. If you’ve ever looked at a group photo and zoomed in only to judge yourself—same. If you’ve ever sat quietly in a room full of people wondering if anyone really gets you—same.

We all carry something. And that’s okay.

It doesn’t make us weak. It just makes us human.

And maybe that’s the most beautiful kind of mess there is.