maybe this is why i panic when things change

I don’t know when exactly it started… this feeling.

this weird fear that one day people will just slowly stop choosing me.

and i’ll be the only one noticing it.

it’s small things....someone’s tone changing, someone not replying the way they used to, someone choosing someone else.

and i just sit there like… ok. cool. no problem. i get it.

but inside i’m spiraling.

because i’ve been here before, A lotttt of times.

i know how it ends.

i’ve always been the one who holds on too tight.

like if i just keep being kind, keep being available, keep being “low maintenance” maybe they’ll stay.

but they don’t.

they never do.

i’ve had friends who made me feel like i was a burden.

like i had to earn their love every day.

and even when they made me feel small, i stayed.

because i was scared that if they left, no one else would come.

and then when i finally walked away, or when they just stopped showing up....I lost pieces of myself.

quietly.

slowly.

without anyone noticing.

so now, even when something small changes—

even when someone says “i’ll talk to you later” and it turns into hours of silence...

it triggers something.

i know it’s dramatic.

but it feels like abandonment.

again.

and i hate that i care this much.

i hate that i still crave to feel loved.

not out of ego. just… to feel safe. to feel like i matter in someone’s life.

but tonight, i cried while praying.

and not because i’m broken.

but because i’m tired.

and i want to feel held.

i want to feel okay again. like old me. the one who laughed without overthinking.

so i put my bible next to my pillow.

not expecting magic.

just needing to feel close to something that won’t leave.

maybe i’ll always be the one who fades into the background.

but at least now, i know i’m not going to fade away from myself. I hope...