Trying to find myself again

I used to be someone who laughed without thinking, someone who didn’t care about how she looked. I used to take photos without hesitation. I used to feel like I was enough.

Now, I avoid cameras. I avoid mirrors. Every little comment about my body or my face  .... even the smallest ones .... cuts through me like a knife. It doesn’t matter if it’s a compliment or a passing remark, it always feels like a reminder that I’m not enough.

High school was where it started .... the casual bullying, the jokes. I didn’t laugh then, and I don’t laugh now. At home, it was the relatives who thought they were helping by commenting on my weight or my appearance. “You’d be prettier if you lost weight.” “That dress doesn’t suit you.” “Try something for your skin.” Every comment was a wound, even if they didn’t mean to hurt.

Now, compliments make me anxious. “You look nice” feels like a lie. I don’t know how to accept kindness without questioning it. I’ve stopped believing it. I’ve lost the confidence I once had. I cry when I look in the mirror because I can’t see the girl I used to be.

But I’m still here. Still trying. I’m not perfect. And I don’t need to be. I’m learning to be okay with who I am, even if it’s messy. Even if I’m still figuring it out.

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