I wasn't ready, but I went anyways

When I turned 18 and packed my bags for college, I thought I was just moving to a new city. I didn’t realise I was stepping into a whole new version of life..... one that would pull me in all directions, break me a little, teach me a lot, and still leave me confused......

MCC was more than just a college. It was the place where I learned what homesickness really meant, how painful friendship breakups can feel, and how calling someone at night from a dim hostel room could feel like a lifeline..... I wasn’t doing well academically, I kept feeling like I was wasting my parents money, and honestly, most days I felt like I wasn’t enough.....

But somewhere in between video calls to my school friendssss... people I barely even spoke to before  and quietly sitting with my roommates, I started learning how to be on my own. Not in a glamorous way. Just... surviving. With all the emotional weight, with body image struggles, with the fear of being left behind. My sister was my safe space, my constant. I hold on to her because making new connections after so many heartbreaks just felt like too much.

I wasn’t trying to become someone new. I was just trying not to fall apart.

I have had my fair share of friendship breakups, in school and college. I thought I found people I could vibe with.some broke my heart while some stayed... But yeah life goes on...

Every time something like that happened, I just became a bit more closed off. Stopped trying too hard. Stopped expecting. It’s not like I was perfect either..... but I didn’t deserve that I guess or maybe I did deserve it...

While all that mess was going on, I was also dealing with something heavier ... homesickness.  New city, new people, new everything. And honestly? I wasn’t ready.

College was supposed to be fun, right? But between the friendship drama, struggling in academics, and just trying to figure myself out, I felt completely lost. There were days I didn’t even want to step out of my hostel room. That place became my little bubble... my comfort zone.

My sister, even after getting married and moving away, still managed to make me feel like she’s just a call away. I could talk to her about anything...even if I didn’t say much, she knew. Her voice felt like home. It still does.

I don’t say it enough, but my sister made things bearable when everything else felt heavy.

And hostel life? It was both a curse and a blessing. My roommates were sweet, they minded their business and gave me space ...which honestly was all I ever wanted. But the room itself became my escape — a place where I could cry, overthink, scroll through old memories, and just be... quiet.

I would sit by the window with a cup of coffee, watching the world go on, wondering when I’ll stop feeling like I’m stuck in between. In between becoming someone better and not knowing who I am.

Now when I look back at these years ... from leaving home at 18, coming to this place, all the friendship drama, homesickness, the awkward silences, hostel coffee, the breakdowns, and the late-night calls ... I realise I’ve changed. Maybe not into a whole new person, but I’ve grown.

I’m still figuring life out. Still learning how to be okay with not having it all together. Still trying to show up for myself, even on the days I want to disappear.

I don’t have a big lesson or a pretty quote to end this with. But if you have ever felt this way too .

 lost, emotional, too much, or not enough ...just know you are not alone. Maybe we are all just learning how to hold on, one day at a time.....I know everybody goes through this, not only me...I know I am making a big deal out of it...but yaa it was a big deal for me, that changed everything.....